Saddam May Still Harbor Internal WMD Stash: White House

Friday, March 7, 2003

By Stan O. Grapher-Topower, special spoof reporter
with Syd Baumel

UNITED NATIONS/WASHINGTON (Rooters) — A reluctant Saddam Hussein acceded today to the latest demand of the Bush administration. 

"We have made substantive progress," Hans Blix announced outside the United Nations in New York. "Our inspectors were able to perform complete and unobstructed strip searches for weapons of mass destruction on the persons of Mr. Hussein and all members of his cabinet, Republican Guard, and immediate family. I can report with some satisfaction that when we said 'bend,' Mr. Hussein finally — after some prodding — replied 'how low?'"

On Tuesday, Blix confirmed that Iraqi scientists and witnesses had provided "persuasive evidence" that disputed stocks of VX nerve gas and other unaccounted for chemical and biological weapons had been destroyed in 1999. The existence of approximately six tonnes of new chemicals and biological agents was also revealed by the Iraqis on Monday and the prohibited materials are now being destroyed by UNMOVIC inspectors. 

"This is just the latest act in Saddam's cynical shell game. This is a man whose shameless and gathering deception knows no bounds," President Bush said on Tuesday. 

Nor was the White House impressed with Hussein's latest concession. 

"That's not what I really meant when I said Saddam's hiding his weapons of mass destruction 'where the sun don't shine.' The devious dictator has stashed them in the gathering depths of his heart of darkness," a testy George W. Bush said today after a speech to the Young Imperialists of America. 

Blix appeared to agree. "While we found no evidence of weapons of mass destruction on the person or in any of the orifices of the Iraqi president and his family and associates, we cannot rule out the possibility that small caches could be stored within manually inaccessible cavities."

That possibility was elaborated upon in a White House press briefing by Ari Fleischer. 

"So what if his nose and his ass are clean?" the Press Secretary said. "This is the world's most devious liar and cheat. How can anybody think he's serious when he doesn't invite UNMOVIC to enter and inspect his chest, brain ventricles, and other deep body weapons stashes through free and unfettered exploratory surgical missions?"

In Washington, a glowering Secretary of State Colin Powell charged that if the Security Council does not immediately authorize UNMOVIC to disembowel Saddam Hussein "in order to perform an exhaustive and definitive search for weapons of mass destruction — I'm not kidding! He can’t string this out forever!" the Council will have "once and for all proven it is nothing more than a debating club for toothless grannies, spineless French pastries, and irrelevant Old European sissy boys."

Interviewed by Dan Rather for the second time in two weeks, Saddam Hussein was in a defiant mood. 

"President Bush has many very long missiles. But still he is jealous of my Big Ten Inch. As jealousy is an emotion befitting only of a woman, President Bush — and notice, Dan, that I call him 'President Bush' and not 'Bush' or 'Bushie' or 'Bullshiet,' because in Islam we respect the dignity even of our enemies — is a crabby little woman who sounds strangely like Kevin Costner, whose work I very much admire, particularly in "The Bodyguard" with that comely Whitney Houston woman — she is hot. I challenge President Bush to a live strip search, performed by you, Dan, on satellite TV, so the world can compare our respective organs and further determine what kind of illegal substances he is hiding in his own body orifices. I can tell you with absolute certainty that all of the President of Iraq's orifices and body cavities, right down to the last dilating brain ventricle, are clean."

Asked to comment on Saddam's challenge, a bemused Ari Fleischer replied: "That's ridiculous. Saddam is a big, smelly fart wrapped in a disgusting, squishy turd inside a mountainous heap of steaming, flea-ridden dung. The President of the United State's orifices have been drug-free for 30 years, and Saddam knows it."